In this episode Ela discusses her journey of personal growth and the impact of having a structured schedule compared to her usual flexibility. She also reflects on the concept of balance and making choices that align with their desires and needs, and explores the themes of personal development, relationships, and the importance of self-awareness.
How to build Intuitive Structures
- Personal Experience with Structure: Ela shares insights from a week spent with a friend’s family, observing the structured life of a child and its impact on personal well-being. [00:00:36]
- Comparative Analysis: Discussion on the benefits of structured schedules versus flexible routines, and how structured environments can aid mental health and productivity. [00:09:38]
How Mindset impacts Structure and Choice
- Broader Implications: Reflections on how these experiences relate to broader life choices, personal growth, and mindset shifts. [00:20:11]
- Closing Thoughts: Ela concludes with personal realizations and an analysis of why mindset work is such an integral part of the work she does with clients. [00:27:20]
Click here to read a transcript of this episode
Ela Miranda: Hello, hello.
[00:00:00] I really wanted to talk today about structure and parenting and just like general mindset work and accommodations and support, all things which I think are, like, super important and that, as humans, we should all talk about more. I just spent a week with one of my best friends and her family as part of my ~grand summer road trip~ so my friend has a one year old daughter, and they live in a pretty small town.
[00:00:36] There’s not a lot of things to do, so the majority of the week, we were just chilling, hanging out, playing with a baby, and it was fantastic. I absolutely loved it. It was really interesting to be around someone who is like raising a child, especially, you know, the first year of their life.
[00:00:55] Like, because we live so far apart I’ve seen the baby when she was first born, and I’ve seen her once since then, I think she’s like maybe Just turned one and it was just like incredibly astounding to see, you know, seven, eight months later, how much she’s grown, like mentally. Like, I don’t feel like she, physically was all that much bigger, or stronger, but like, she’s talking now, or like, beginning to talk, you know, she’s learned a lot of sign language, she’s able to communicate much more efficiently, you know, she’s starting to learn how to walk, like you can clearly see from spending time with her, how many things she’s putting together, how many things she’s learning.
[00:01:44] She is just like always watching and like picks things up so quickly. And it’s just so exciting. Like, I very much enjoyed like hanging out with her and it was so interesting to see, like, how far I’ve come in my, like, mental health and, like, general well being. This is something that’s come up a lot for me recently, as I’ve just started, you know, this process of traveling and, like, from the road and not having a set structure or set plans or like anything really like structured to rely on, and, you know, the first few weeks were actually fairly difficult. I, you know, had to sit down and talk with my therapist about it and be like, you know what? I recognize that this is what I asked for and what I wanted and how I chose to spend my time and I am finding it really difficult right now and like those two things can both be true at the same time. I have so many coping mechanisms that I can rely on and that like have really been serving me. I feel very proud of myself because I’ve really been like able to turn to those things and like utilize those coping mechanisms and overall I’ve been doing really, really well.
[00:03:01] And so it was really interesting to after these two weeks of like absolutely nothing being the same, to spending a week where like there is a very set structure. Like, you know, she’s a baby, so she like gets up at a certain time, she takes a nap at a certain time, she eats lunch at a certain time. She goes to bed at a certain time and like, you know, because her parents like also have this same structure with her, like they also go to bed like, you know, fairly early and like, it’s just like so funny because I was like, honestly, it’s just like so interesting to me because I’ve never had a set structure like that. I know a lot of people had the set structure of school where like you had to do things like at a specific time, whatever, like you’re on a time period, like a timetable for your classes and whatever, but like I’ve always been to alternative schools so like really and honestly I’ve never had like a very set structured kind of schedule.
[00:04:01] I’ve always been able to just do things like, as I feel. And I’ve been incredibly fortunate, that as I’ve moved on in my career, and like, moving on into the world, that I’ve been able to have jobs and classes and be able to like maintain that ability of making my own schedule and doing things as they align with my energy and my moods and whatever. Which is not always as wonderful as it sounds, right?
Like there are definitely times where even being able to choose my own schedule is very difficult for me too get things done or you know, like if I don’t have motivation when there is no urgency and no deadline, like it is really difficult for me to like come from a place of self motivation. Or at least it can be, right? Like that’s something I’m sure I will always have to work on, like most lessons in life. It was so interesting for me to experience that kind of like, intuitive schedule for this child, and so that’s what we did, and like, it’s definitely influenced by, you know, her parents, and the decisions that they’re making in raising their child, but it was just fascinating to me to see how quickly and easily I am able to conform to a structure like that. And how much I enjoyed it.
[00:05:21] feel like I was able to get a lot done, and I managed to do things, like, spend time with the people that I love, as well as do, like, work tasks and, like, deliver on expectations, and I just felt like I was able to balance things very well because the nature of that schedule just very much allowed me to rest and to start off my day.
[00:05:50] To like start off my day surrounded by people that I love and with play, you know, like really and honestly like being around a baby all day like My friend’s husband was making fun of me the first night there He was like, are you playing with baby toys? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. These are a fucking blast and we’re sitting there watching Bluey, like, fuck, I do that myself all the time anyways, like, really and honestly, it just was so fun to, like, start my day in such a structured manner with play and with connection as Like the very first thing that I did in the day and moving on to work later just was very supportive to the work that I was doing this week.
[00:06:37] It was just like a very interesting, interesting observation period for me. You know, I think that that’s an experiment that I might play around with later. I’m really interested to play around with having a more set schedule for myself and to see, you know, what kind of an impact that makes and also to just continue playing with allowing myself to do the work that lights me up and allowing myself to not have strict boundaries around work during this time.
[00:07:14] My primary goal for the next two months is to connect with the people that I love before I go traipsing around leaving the country, right? Like, I’m going to be very far, farther even than I am now from all of these people and I do, you know, have aspirations and believe that I can spend more time making intentional connections with them on a more regular basis rather than, You know, not talking until I take a spur of the moment, like, last minute fucking road trip, right?
[00:07:49] No, but like, the goal of the next two months is connection both with the people that I love and that I’m going to visit and, you know, with potential clients and just in general with people who I genuinely believe I can best serve and help.
[00:08:06] And I think that that’s something that’s always going to change and evolve as I learn and grow and attempt different things. But. At the end of the day what it comes down to is how do I best build connections with people and how can I help people get to this point of self recognition and self accommodation to where are able to design the life that you want to live and you’re able to design a business that supports you, And supports your team and is able to support a different way of working in this world.
[00:08:45] I don’t believe that the neurotypical ways of doing things are always what’s going to be in your best interests, right? A lot of my experiences and my identity have shaped how I look at the world and have shaped how I make my decisions and why I Have made choices that are absolutely shocking to like the majority of the people in my life, right?
[00:09:12] I feel like I have come so far in my own self trust in my own knowledge that things have always worked out before and Therefore I can trust that I will figure them out now, And I’ve made it through so many hard times. So, you know, I recognize that like, the choices that I’m making might not lead me to the easiest, most comfortable path.
[00:09:38] But I have made a lot of choices in an attempt to find that easiest path. And frankly, I don’t know if there is one. I think in general, you know, life’s kind of a bitch. And so you might as well do the things that you enjoy. Because there’s always going to be challenges. There’s always going to be things that are difficult, even if it’s literally just like waking up in the morning or like fucking, you know, just re parenting yourself, like learning how to live with your mind and your trauma and learning how to deal with illness and with disability. Being different in a world that is not always accepting of that is incredibly challenging, right?
And all of those things are such common experiences, and I think, you know, like, the goal of making things easier is something that we’re all striving for, but easier does not necessarily mean non challenging, does not necessarily mean everything is always perfect, does not necessarily mean that anything in this life is guaranteed, whether that’s safety, security, financial means, a job, like, you know, I just think that, for me at least, if I put myself, my needs, and my desires above all these expectations and these desires of others, At the end of the day, it might not be the easiest path, but it’s going to be the path that I am most motivated to pursue.
[00:11:21] And it’s been so interesting to talk with so many people and to see the different life paths that all of my friends have chosen, to see the different places that we’ve all ended up. A lot of these friends are people that I haven’t seen in a very long time. People that I knew when I was much younger, when I was, I mean, I wasn’t necessarily a different person, right? Like I’m still me regardless of what choices I make or what situations I find myself in. But I was definitely like in some very different mindsets and making a lot of like very wild choices when I met a lot of these friends.
[00:12:00] And so seeing how, you know, we’ve all changed and We’ve all grown and we’ve all, gotten to know ourselves more as the years have gone by has been so fascinating, especially, you know, spending time with my friend who just became a parent and like seeing the choices that she’s made to get there and like the decisions she has to make constantly, being a parent, has been really fascinating for me. Because being a parent is never something that I have really seen or wanted for myself. Even from a very young age, like, you know, having children is something that’s, like, kind of expected of women, and it just, like, even as a child, I was very much like, no, I don’t think I really want that.
[00:12:48] And that hasn’t really changed, like, at all. But it’s been interesting to see how a lot of the challenges that I foresaw in having a child and a lot of the reservations that I had around it have changed as I’ve grown and matured and I’ve met more people and met myself and, you know, like, made different decisions. It’s not something I’m actively seeking, but I’m definitely a lot more open to the concept of raising children than I was even just a couple of years ago, and I think a lot of that has to do with the work that I have done for myself, you know, like I’ve been in therapy for God, like five or six years now, maybe even seven.
And like, I’ve been doing work outside of therapy as well, but just like, like the amount of dedication I have put into learning my own desires and my own needs and my own reactions and where my traumas lie and what my triggers are and what the stories that I’m telling myself are like coming to terms with my queerness and my disabilities and my chronic illnesses and you know like there are just so many changes that have happened in the past few years that, like, I think I’ve really come to a point where I know that even if having a child is not something that I actively desire, I don’t believe that the passing of generational trauma and, like, general genetics is…
[00:14:56] not that I don’t believe that it happens, because I do think, like, You know, when you aren’t doing that work, you are passing those things on whether intentionally or not, right? I do genuinely believe that everybody’s doing the best that they can with the knowledge that they have and you know, sometimes that falls short of where we want to be, but you can’t shame or blame yourself for not knowing something that nobody taught you. A lot of the generational trauma, at least that I’ve seen in my own family, comes from a general lack of knowledge, right?
[00:15:34] Like, there just weren’t resources available to us in the same way that they are today. And I’m sure in, you know, 15, 20 years, there are going to be so many more resources available, right? Like, Things are changing. We live in a world now where we have access to everyone’s opinions. We have access to so much research.
[00:15:56] Like, I can drive across the country without knowing where I’m going because I have a map in the palm of my hand. And I can look at that map and record this, like, and, you know, that’s something that It wasn’t possible even, like, when I was a child.
[00:16:15] And so, I just feel like I am looking at all of these different options and these different choices from a place of much more compassion than I ever would have before and that feels really good, you know?
[00:16:29] I genuinely can say that I love who I am and I love the things that I’m doing. And the choices that I’m making, even when things are difficult. Right. And even when I’m struggling, like that doesn’t change the fact that I am still so excited. And so excited to spend time with the people that I love and so excited to keep like.
[00:16:53] Investing my time and my energy in learning and growing and trying new things and being in new places, right? Like, one of the reasons why I love travel so much is that it opens up so many opportunities, right? Like, so many chances to learn something to try something new, to see the world in a little bit of a different way.
[00:17:15] I genuinely believe that that is so, so important, especially as you’re learning who you are and you’re, you know, working on the person that you want to be. Like, I just think this idea that like, you can stay in the same place, always with the same people, and like, always be the same person is not the most satisfying way to live life.
[00:17:39] Like, I I believe that as people we were born to grow and change and learn new things and that that is so, so important. See, like, there are literally so many things to learn. Like you go to a new place and suddenly all of the lights are flashing and it’s like typically that means you stop. But like, does that, is that what it means? Cause nobody else is stopping here.
[00:18:05] I just like, I do know that this is something that is so important to me.
[00:18:09] And I recognize that it may not be the same for everyone. I recognize that like, If I hadn’t gotten the mental health, and The medications and done the work, like my anxiety would be off the fucking charts right now, The fact that like everything is constantly changing has historically been very, very difficult for me. So like I recognize that like, you know, part of the reason why I’m in this place is because of. The medication that I’m taking is because of the incredibly dramatic difference it has made in my mental health.
[00:18:45] And I’m fairly certain that there is going to be a whole episode dedicated to this. I might have even already recorded this rant because it’s like, made such a huge difference and I think it is so, so important to talk about. But I just like,
[00:18:59] I’m so fascinated. By the dichotomy of structure and chaos and This idea that like Somehow life must be either one or the other I feel like I keep coming back to over and over And over and over again this year the word balance So many things can exist at once right as people we contain multitudes And it can be really hard to hold multiple truths at the same time to acknowledge that, like, my feelings aren’t forever.
[00:19:31] To acknowledge that, like, I can make choices and know that things are difficult and still move forward and still trust that this choice was the right one. And those are just things that, like, have come up for me personally even just recently, right, but I keep coming back to the fact that things don’t have to be either or, right? I don’t have to give up part of who I am and like things that have been integral parts of my identity just like the way in which I do things in order to be quote unquote successful or quote unquote productive or in order to…
[00:20:11] I feel like a really good example of this is, in one of the lessons that I learned about balance, right? I have often utilized hyperfocus as my main coping mechanism, Like if I need to get something done, I know how to get myself into a state of hyperfocus. And to, like, be able to focus on one thing, and one thing only, and just get shit done, like, all at once, right?
[00:20:40] And that has historically been something that has been very detrimental to me and the structures in which I was finding myself. Because, you know. That’s not how most schools and jobs are often laid out, right? Like you often have many competing things vying for your attention and so being able to focus on only one thing was just not a luxury that I had for like a really long time and so I always looked at that trait as something that was bad, right?
[00:21:22] Like or something that That like, was making my life more difficult. And I’ve come to realize recently that I’ve always like, told myself that I need to be more balanced. I need to be able to like, work on more than one thing. I need to like, be able to work and rest. And it’s been really interesting to assess myself as I come to a period of life where I have no other obligations.
[00:21:49] And to see how giving myself periods of intense work and then giving myself periods of just rest is also a balance, right? It’s not what like I was traditionally taught, but it is still a cycle and a balanced cycle, right? Like the wheel is constantly turning and I am constantly moving on and I don’t have to fight against those things, right?
[00:22:19] Like I can choose to structure my work and my life in such a way that that becomes a benefit rather than a disadvantage.
[00:22:29] And I think ultimately that’s what I want for everyone that I work with, right? I want to help you get to a point to where you can recognize the things you have been doing, you’re natural cycles, your, like, natural way of doing things, and accommodate yourself. Get to a point to where, those things become not a detriment, but instead a strength.
[00:22:54] I think a lot of, like, neurodivergent people have developed incredible coping mechanisms, right? neurodiverse people just do things in ways that are different, like we are able to create incredible coping mechanisms. We’re able to like figure things out in ways that like other people can’t always because we’ve had so much practice and having to figure out how to move through this world that was not built for us.
[00:23:21] And so I think, you know, there is such incredible skill there and I just want to help people acknowledge that and help people build the systems that can support them and living their best lives, whatever that means to you.
[00:23:38] We all deserve to live a life that is built for us. We deserve the lives that we want.
[00:23:44] And I think, like, there’s some interesting conversation around the things that we want. And even the ways that the things that we want and our trauma can intersect. And how sometimes, you know, we want things that are limiting and things that can be destructive and things that maybe aren’t always in our best interest.
[00:24:01] And like, I’m, I, I’m not saying that that’s untrue. Like, I definitely think that there is a lot of interesting conversation to be had there. And I think sometimes, you know, we live the lessons that we need to learn.
[00:24:15] And sometimes we just kind of have to keep repeating things until we finally come at it with enough knowledge to start making some different decisions. Like, and I don’t think, I think it’s really important to be aware of our language around that because I don’t think that people deserve pain. I don’t think people deserve to be in challenging or difficult or horrible situations.
[00:24:38] Like I said, you know, sometimes life is just straight up a bitch.
[00:24:42] And I don’t think that like, there’s a reason for awful things that happen. But I do think that when you start becoming a conscious author of your reality and you start being aware of the decisions that you’re making, the thoughts that you’re having, and the ways in which you make an impact on your world, that you can start to initiate change for good and for bad.
[00:25:07] But it takes that knowledge. It takes that awareness. To make those changes because if you are constantly living life on autopilot, if you’re constantly living life in a trauma response and you never take the time to recognize those, you never are around people who will point them out for you. You are like never in a situation where things might be different and people might have different opinions than you, things are always going to continue on because an object that is in motion stays in motion.
[00:25:39] Like, we have to be jolted. We have to run over a few bumps in the road to start going along some different paths. And that’s not always fun or easy. There are, like, many ways in which that is fucking awful and an awful experience. And, and I think it’s sometimes really necessary. And the ways in which we experience hardship and difficulty can change based on your mindset, and I have seen that and experienced that enough times to know that that to me is the most important thing I could do. That working on my mindset, working on the ways in which I see the world, constantly trying to learn new things and to view things from a different perspective is the most valuable thing that I could do in life. Because that’s what’s going to make an impact on how I view challenges.
[00:26:35] It’s what’s going to help me deal with difficult emotions. It’s what’s going to help me deal with challenging relationships. It’s what’s going to help me deal with difficult times in life and difficult situations that I might find myself in. But if I am like always stuck in the same kind of thinking with the same kinds of people in the same mindsets, yeah, things are going to be terrible.
[00:27:00] Things are going to stay the same. And I’m sure there are probably lots of other ways that you can bring about change, right? I’m not saying that I know anything and certainly not everything about this situation or like this, this concept, but it’s what’s been the biggest lesson for me so far and what has gotten me through so many different things.
[00:27:20] So, Yeah, that’s why this is one of the core facets of what I do and what I teach and how I interact with the people and businesses that I work with. You know, my goal is to help you notice the ways in which you are thinking about things and Make changes to the way you think where necessary so that you can then start making changes to Your life and your actions and like the impact that that can have is absolutely astounding I’ve seen it in my own life, and I am so excited to see it in yours
[00:27:54] Alright. I still have 30 minutes on the road. I think I’m gonna turn on a fantastic playlist and Jam Out, and I will see you again in the next episode. Thank you so much for listening, and have a wonderful day.
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